So, as a dear friend of mine says, I opened the door and got off the wagon, on Christmas after 2.5 years of sobriety in a 12 step program. I am struggling, I have all this programming about the "disease" and I notice it rearing it's head more so lately. Guilt, guilt, guilt. I have a 3 year old and I mostly feel guilty about me as a parent. There is nothing in my present behavior that is bad for my son. I know how I used to be though. I need to believe in myself more. I'll go days without drinking and then I'll drink and feel really guilty afterward. You know the pattern. I feel like it's programmed in to me. I enjoy myself while I'm drinking, I don't get drunk or black out but I still feel guilty afterward. The guilt perpetuates the cycle. How do I break the guilt?
I have consulted with several astrologers, I should mention that I want to be a certified astrologer, and one of them said that I am different than I was before and that I won't go back to my old ways because when I was 26 Saturn crossed over my ascendent and I started to form a whole new personality, I got sober and Max was born while I was 26 years old. I am also in my Saturn Return. I have 5 planets in Scorpio, Moon Libra and Gemini Rising. I need to focus my energy in a creative manner because of all the Scorpio, in the 6th house I might add, so I need to be involved in some sort of service to humanity or I'll suffer.
I don't want to go back to where I came from and I don't want to tell my self that I am different than other people anymore.
4 comments:
I think it takes a long time to de-program from the 12-step stuff - if you want to. It's taking me a long time to learn to believe in myself again. Keep on.
I don't want to go back to where I was either, and so far I haven't, but there's always this nagging in the back of my mind, what if?
hey, where ya been? just wanted to say hi.
Are you still around? You have people in the blogosphere that care about ya!
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